As couples therapists and associate professors of psychiatry at , we spend a lot of time thinking about the keys to a long, loving relationship.

We've also been married nearly 50 years, and you can't stay together that long without learning to communicate through conflict.

When couples come to us for therapy, they often arrive with a of what the other person could do better and how they ought to show their love. Each person feels like they're under attack, like they've flunked the test of being a good partner. 

The know how to speak to each other with kindness, love and consideration. Their secret? They never do five things:

1. They never hold back on apologies

If you get into an argument with your partner, the sooner you can apologize, the better. 

It's tempting to pout. We can tell you from firsthand experience that the urge to hold a grudge doesn't dissipate as you get older. But the important thing is to apologize before those hurt feelings calcify and make it harder to communicate. 

An apology should never take the form of "I'm sorry that you became so miserable." Happy couples still fight, they just know how to apologize. The best apologies are about accountability, and for your actions.

2. They never undermine each other

We generally don't critique each other in public. We'll be out at an event or with friends, and one of us will start to tell a story, and invariably something is not quite right. 

There is certainly an impulse to correct them, but we've found that it doesn't matter if their story isn't entirely accurate.

In the grand scheme of things, not undermining them — even for something seemingly as small as forgetting what restaurant we went to — is more important than being "right." 

DON'T MISS:

We take a similar approach to disagreements. Even if we think the other person is just plain wrong, rather than digging our heels in, we'll take a beat and say something like, "Huh, that's interesting. I love it that we can talk at the end of the day."

3. They never mistake carelessness for authenticity

A common complaint we hear in sessions with clients: "You treat everyone else in your life better than you treat me!" That client's significant other might reply, "I'm just being my honest self. Real love means not putting up any false fronts."

This conflict often comes up when people start to take each other for granted. Out in the world, they put their best foot forward with friends, neighbors and colleagues. But at home, their significant other doesn't get that same effort and care.

The fact of the matter is, relinquishing an effort to be kind and loving to your partner under the banner of being your true self doesn't lead to , just a nastier one.

4. They never forget to be generous with their compliments

If you have a positive thought about your partner, don't keep it to yourself. Say it out loud. Be genuine and be specific in your . It really does make a difference in how you see yourselves and each other. 

For us, there have been so many times when we think something the other does is absolutely wonderful, but because we've been together so long, it goes unsaid. 

It's easy to assume that everything is implicitly understood, without any sort of engagement. But it's important to articulate these thoughts, especially as you evolve as people together. 

5. They never wait to show how much they care

By far, the biggest mistake couples make when they are in conflict is getting into a game of emotional chicken. In the wake of a fight, they might hold off on doing kind and loving things for each other, until the other one goes first. 

If you're waiting for your partner to soften and show you how much they care, you'll likely be waiting a long time. Those cracks can then turn into breaks that are tougher to heal. 

In moments like these, try something simple like cooking them their favorite meal. Remind yourself how much they enjoy it and really revel in taking the time to craft it for them. Then tell them about the positive feelings that stemmed from the activity.

This way, you're not out in the cold waiting for the love in return. Instead, you're taking control of the situation, and building an environment where it can flourish again.

 and  are associate professors of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and psychiatry consultants at MGH/McLean Hospital. In their private practices, they have worked with couples for 40 years. Together, they have written three books, "Overcoming Loneliness in Everyday Life," "Marriage in Motion," and "The Lonely American." Drs. Olds and Schwartz have been married for 47 years.

Do you want a new career that's higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take C온라인카지노사이트's new online course . Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Pre-register today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.