Romantic relationships are complex, and sometimes there are patterns that partners follow that can cause harm —

, a therapist and relationship expert, says there is one common trend that he sees in the couples he meets that negatively impacts their relationships.

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At the New York Times Well Festival last week, this is the No. 1 mistake couples make: "They don't ask for what they want."

Instead of communicating what they desire from their partner, "it's all about complain," said Real, who is also the author of a NYT bestseller "Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship."

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"Complain is not vulnerable. Request is vulnerable."

When people complain about their partner's behavior, it doesn't make their partner want to improve.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is "work like a team," he explained. Remember that when you're dealing with conflict, "it's not me versus you. You love me. I love you."

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If you'd like your partner to work on something like being less distant or providing more romance in your relationship, Real suggested saying directly what you'd like from them instead of complaining.

Use this structure when speaking to your partner: "I can use more of [this]. Can you work on that?"

And to really solidify that you're supportive of your partner's process to improve the skill, take it a step further, Real said. Ask them, "What can I do to help you do that for me? We're a team."

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