I've coached kids who got into Harvard, Stanford and Princeton—4 things their parents never did early on

For the last 10 years, I've worked with hundreds of students and their parents as an extracurricular coach at . 

I've watched my students grow into exceptional and confident young adults, pursuing their passions, starting businesses, developing complex projects, fundraising, and winning awards.

They've also been accepted to many selective institutions, including Harvard, Princeton and Stanford. 

While coaching these students, I've had the chance to get to know their families, too. Here are four things parents of these highly successful kids never do: 

1. They never treat admission to a specific college as the only option for a happy, productive life

Parents often pin their hopes on selective schools, as though anything less is unacceptable. Then they work backwards with a singular obsession to achieve that goal, starting tests and application prep early.

Instead of fixating on acceptance to any one college, focus on what is within your power. Help your kid develop the initiative, planning, critical thinking, creativity and communication skills necessary to succeed, no matter where they go. These are the qualities colleges and employers look for anyway. 

College admittance should only be a happy byproduct of success. Don't ask, "Will my child get into an Ivy League?" Try instead, "Will my child have the ability to succeed anywhere?" If the answer to the latter question is yes, the answer to the former will be more likely to be yes as well.

2. They never let what everyone else is doing dictate what their kids do

Teens are often swayed by their peers — but parents aren't immune to that pressure either. I often see parents signing their kids up for an activity purely out of a competitive feeling of FOMO. But this habit can result in kids who have generic resumes and, more importantly, they don't get to develop an independent sense of identity. 

When one of my students enrolled in a rigorous science course unrelated to his interests, his reason was that "everyone at my school takes it." The class wasn't a requirement, just a norm that neither he nor his parents had questioned. 

While it's valuable for kids to socialize with their friends, they also must cultivate their own sense of self. What are they interested in? Where do they want to invest their time? You as a parent can mentor them through this one and also set an example. The old "if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you" adage does not just apply to kids. 

3. They never fight their kids' battles for them

It's common for parents to take on difficult tasks or solve problems on behalf of their kids as often try to solve their kids' problems for them

I've heard stories from teachers who regularly receive parent emails about their kid's bad grades or about an inter-student conflict. 

Sometimes an intervention is necessary. But before you take action, ask yourself whether this is something you need to take on. Sometimes, when a tough moment presents itself, it can actually be . 

Snowplowing, however well intentioned, can undercut the development of agency. If teenagers think someone else will do something for them, they won't learn to do it for themselves.

4. They never shield their children from rejection and failure

In our program, we have students review the defining moments of their lives. Alongside moves, new schools and other common milestones, students frequently list something like being turned down by a varsity team. Rejections give students the confidence to come back stronger or help them reframe how they see themselves. 

It also. So rather than discouraging them from taking a leap, teach them how to bounce back from disappointment. Challenge them to do their own version of as practice. 

Once they acclimate, rejection becomes less scary. A student of mine cold emailed 70 professors to find a lab internship. He received dozens of nos. But in the end? One came through. And he learned a lesson in resilience and humility.

Failure and rejection can be . And even when they're not, kids develop grit and . Moreover, your child might defy your expectations. We often project our own fears onto kids. Kids don't need adults placing a ceiling on what's possible. Let them surprise us.

Theo Wolf is a writer and educator, with a focus on passion and purpose development in young adults. He is on the founding team of , a coaching program for high school students, and helped build , a free search engine for high school summer and extracurricular programs. Theo is a graduate of Cornell University and a mentor at Harvard University's Lemann Program on Creativity and Entrepreneurship. 

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